Kowalski's Corner
by L1701E
Summary: Chapter 9 up! Lt. Kevin Kowalski, a technician onboard the Enterprise, talks about his life in his blog. Up next: Kevin talks about an annoying ambassador! Read and Review please!
1. Chapter 1

**Kowalski's Corner**

**Author's Note: Hello, folks! L1701E here! Not many people realize this, but I'm a Star Trek fan. Yup, ever since I was a kid. So, after seeing the new _Star Trek_ flick, and suffering writer's block on my X-Men: Evolution fics, I thought it'd be fun to do a Star Trek blog starring an OC of mine. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to the late great Gene Roddenberry and Paramount. Only Lt. Kevin Kowalski and Lt. John Cronin, are mine. Lt. Margaret "Meg" O'Malley belongs to Psychodalia, and is used with permission. Special thanks to Psychodalia.**

**Enjoy the blog!**

Kowalski's Corner

_Kowalski's Corner is the official blog of Lt. Kevin Kowalski._

May 24, 2358

Hello, and welcome to my new blog! My name is Lieutenant Kevin Kowalski. If you see me in Engineering, you know who I am. I'm the guy who always has on the headphones listening to music while I work. I am particularly fond of late 20th Century rock music.

First, a little bit about myself. I'm 23 years old, got dirty blond hair and blue eyes, and I'm a technician. Basically, I go around and fix things. Which I love, because I got a knack for gadgetry. I'm working on a little project in my own time that involves holograms and forcefields. A new way for people to amuse themselves on ships, as well as a very helpful new training aid. I'm still perfecting it, and a lot of people think I'm nuts for trying it...

If you know me from the Academy, then yes, I was and still am known for my pranking. I love pranks, which I inherited from my uncle. He was a notorious prankster back in his day. Ever heard about the legendary Gerbil Incident at the Academy? That was my uncle. He did that. I had no idea that many gerbils could fit in one shuttlecraft. I come from a long line of pranksters.

When I'm not on my duty shift, I'm a musician. I play guitar, drums, and I sing on occasion. I also have a bit of a rivalry with one of the Enterprise's admin clerks, one Margaret "Meg" O'Malley.

Everyone on the ship knows her. She's a loudmouthed Irish redhead who really should've gotten some parental discipline.

How did the rivalry start? Well, it's her fault. When I first came on board, about the same time she did, I decided to try the ship's yoga class for a laugh. However, it turns out that she has a thing for knocking people over when they do the Tree Pose. When she knocked me over, she caused me to fall onto an Andorian cadet, and he ended up breaking his wrist. I felt really bad for the poor guy, so I thought I should get her back, and get her back, I did.

I filled her quarters with orange soda. When she opened the door, she ended getting a wave of it right in her face. Any person on the deck that day would seen a wave of orange soda going down the hall with a screaming Lt. O'Malley on it. I still chuckle when I think back on that day.

A lot of people ask me how I pulled that prank off. I never reveal my secrets, but I will tell you this: filling a lieutenant's quarters with orange soda is a lot easier than you think when you have the right tools for the job.

She also hates my guts because I'm English. Well, English on my mother's side. Polish, German, and Irish on my father's. But what does she know? At least I don't act like a stereotype.

And so, this is the first entry of my blog. Enjoy!

**COMMENTS:**

_(Subj: You. Die.)_

_That was YOU?! You're a dead man, Kowalski! I'll get you for this!_

_- Meg, who will kill you._

_--_

_(Subj: Re: You. Die.)_

_Oh come on, O'Malley! I did you a favor! I got you a drink, a surfing lesson, and a swimming lesson all in one. You should be thanking me._

_- Kevin, who fears no insane Irish redheads._

_--_

_(Subj: Interesting Blog)_

_Interesting blog, Lieutenant. I do hope you don't do this during shift hours._

_- Captain Kirk._

_--_

_(Subj: Re: Interesting Blog)_

_No sir, this is a hobby of mine. I only do it during off time._

_- Kevin._

_--_

_(Subj: Inquiry)_

_I have noticed your fondness for pranks, Lieutenant. I wish to speak to you about an incident involving Lieutenant Uhura and the banana cream pies._

_- Commander Spock_

_--_

_(Subj: Re: Inquiry)_

_I had nothing to do with that, sir. I'm not the only prankster on this ship. Lieutenant Uhura didn't do anything to me. I only prank people that deserve it._

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: Nice blog.)_

_This blog thing sounds very interesting. Did you know blogs are a Russian invention?_

_- Ensign Chekov_

_--_

_(Subj: Re: Nice blog)_

_I'm sure they are, Ensign. I'm sure they are._

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: Safety)_

_Next time you want someone's help to test your invention, please make sure you have some safety protocols put in. I nearly literally lost my head._

_Nice blog._

_- Lt. Sulu_

_--_

_(Subj: Re: Safety)_

_Sorry about that, man. There was some corruption in the light diodes. I'm checking it out as we...type._

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: Pfah)_

_Your stupid invention will never work._

_- Meg_

_--_

_(Subj: Re: Pfah)_

_You want to try it out, O'Malley? I heard you'll do anything for a free beer._

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: Your invention)_

_I am fascinated by that new invention of yours. Will it make sandwiches?_

_- Scotty_

_--_

_(Subj: Re: Your invention)_

_No. It's not a sandwich-maker. Unless you want a holographic sandwich._

_- Kevin._

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Re: Your invention)_

_No thanks. Those don't sound too tasty._

_- Scotty_

_--_

_(Subj: Loved it!)_

_I loved that invention of yours! It simulated a jungle perfectly! Are you going to build other environments?_

_- Lt. John Cronin_

_--_

_(Subj: Re: Loved it!)_

_I'm working on a few. I was amazed that I found an empty space on the ship and that the Captain gave me the go-ahead to test it out._

_Glad you liked it!_

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: Meh)_

_I thought it would be interesting, and since it may have a lot of purposes and not blow up the ship, I figured it would be alright, as long as he worked on it on his off time._

_- Captain Kirk_


	2. Chapter 2

**Kowalski's Corner**

**Disclaimer: I don't known Star Trek. Obviously. Lt. Brenda Kwan is mine.**

**Author's Note: Sorry I took so long to update this, folks! I was on vacation. But now I'm back! Enjoy the new chapter!**

Kowalski's Corner

_Kowalski's Corner is the official blog of Lt. Kevin Kowalski._

June 13, 2358

Hello, readers!

Sorry I took so long to write another entry. I've been a very busy man. I've been working on my new invention like crazy. As well as putting some finishing touches on it. Somebody in the Astrophysics lab suggested it be called...

...

...drumroll please...

...

...The Holodeck. I figured that that name was as good as any other. And Lt. O' Malley didn't suggest it, so it was especially good. God knows what she would've called it.

I put out a general notice to everyone on the ship to try it for its big debut. And boy, did I get a response. Pretty much everyone who came loved it. I even got some of the senior staff to come. Captain Kirk gave me a commendation for it. He said I should show my invention to Starfleet Command if the Enterprise ever comes back to Earth. The captain also said that he'll show it to Admiral Pike on his next visit.

How does the Holodeck work, you ask? Well, I don't want to get too technical, but it basically involves the manipulation of holograms and forcefields to create realistic-looking environments. Everyone should give it a shot! The imagination is the limit. You should see Scotty's simulation. Sandwiches. So Many. Sandwiches.

I thought I would take this opportunity to talk about a couple friends of mine. I talked about my rival, Lt. Meg O' Malley, and now I want to talk about my best friend, Lt. John Cronin.

He's one of the science guys on the ship. He and I met when we were freshmen at Starfleet Academy. It was an interesting day. I was sitting on one of those grassy areas of the campus, playing my guitar. I found myself playing the first riff I ever learned: Deep Purple's "Smoke on the Water". All of a sudden, I found myself being joined by someone singing the lyrics. It was this tall lanky bald black guy who started to sing and play a drum to the lyrics. The little impromptu performance attracted a small crowd. And they loved it.

John and I became like like brothers during our time at the Academy. We both had a love of rock music and science and he became my protege and occasional accomplice in pranking. He and I masterminded the legendary Polka-Dotted Horse Prank. Although the fireworks blowing up the upperclassmen's quarters were not an intentional effect of the prank, it was still hilarious. When we weren't studying for classes, we were enjoying drinks at a local bar (He liked his Bud Classic, I always drink Diet Coke. I don't drink alcohol), where he picked up girls, and I played pinball. I tell you, John had an encyclopedic knowledge of pick-up lines. He would flirt with any pretty girl he saw.

Also, during my time at the Academy, I met a girl who now works in the Astrophysics lab. Brenda Kwan. Oh, man, I have such a major crush on her. She is one gorgeous lieutenant, deep brown eyes, long straight jet black hair, and great curves. And the best part, she doesn't respond to the Captain's pick-up lines. Mostly because she threatens to report him.

I tried to ask her out on a date last week, but somebody put a camera in the flowers I gave her, and the camera peeked on her in the shower. She thought I put it in the bouquet, and she clobbered me for it. I got a pretty good idea who really did. And boy, am I going to get her back. Just biding my time...I have a very special simulation for her...

Anyway, I have to cut this short, unfortunately. The Enterprise got a gift of a couple pinball machines, and I have to help hook them up in the lounge.

**COMMENTS:**

_(Subj: I saw that.)_

_Oh yeah, I saw that performance. Somebody filmed it and showed it to me. It sucked._

_- Meg O'Malley_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: I saw that.)_

_300 other people would disagree with you, Meg. And I am truly sorry about that orange soda prank. I couldn't shore up enough vodka for it, so I had to use what was at hand._

_- Lt. Kowalski_

_--_

_(Subj: Request)_

_I took a run in that Holodeck thing. It's amazing. I gotta get Admiral Pike to see it._

_Lieutenant, I have a request for you. It's not an order, but you're perfectly welcome to think of it as one._

_...could you rig me up a popcorn popper for my chair on the bridge? I'd ask Scotty, but he might put a sandwich maker in instead._

_- Captain Kirk._

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Request)_

_Sure thing, sir. I think I can whip something like that up._

_- Lt. Kowalski_

_--_

_(Subj: Holodeck review)_

_That holodeck thing is incredible. I had it simulate the Amazon rainforest, and it is...I can't describe it! I felt like I was actually there!_

_- Lt. Uhura_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Holodeck review)_

_Thanks, Lieutenant! I really appreciate the positive review! Everybody loves it so far!_

_- Lt. Kowalski_

_--_

_(Subj: Adequate)_

_The holodeck did a commendable job._

_- Spock_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Adequate)_

_He used it to make a simulation of Vulcan. I think he nearly shed a tear._

_- Uhura_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Re: Adequate)_

_Yeah, we all are still a little freaked out about what happened to Vulcan. Yeah...it's hard to talk about._

_- Lt. Kowalski_

_--_

_(Subj: What?!)_

_You mean that wasn't you?_

_- Lt. Brenda Kwan_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: What?!)_

_No, duh. We kept trying to tell you, but you were too angry. Even SULU tried to tell you!_

_- Lt. John Cronin_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Re: What?!)_

_My head starts hurting whenever I think about it._

_- Lt. Sulu_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Re: Re: What?!)_

_And it's pretty obvious who did, Brenda. Three words: Irish. Red. Head._

_- Lt. Kevin Kowalski_

_--_

_(Subj: She's dead)_

_O'MALLEY! YOUR ASS IS TOAST!_

_- Lt. Brenda Kwan_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: She's dead)_

_Aw yeah, catfight!_

_- Lt. John Cronin_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Re: She's dead)_

_Promotion to the first person who tapes it!_

_- Captain Kirk._

_--_

_(Subj: Oh God)_

_PLEASE don't fight in my sickbay! Last time a brawl erupted in sickbay, several beds were wrecked!_

_- Dr. McCoy_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Oh God)_

_Hey, she started it! And Kowalski, I will get you back for that orange soda prank!_

_- Meg O'Malley_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Re: Oh God)_

_Bring it on, O'Malley. You don't scare me._

_- Lt. Kevin Kowalski._


	3. Chapter 3

**Kowalski's Corner**

**Disclaimer: "You SUCK!" - Stewie Griffin, _Family Guy_**

Kowalski's Corner

_Kowalski's Corner is the official blog of Lt. Kevin Kowalski._

June 24

Hey, readers! How're you all doing?

I am a great mood today.

Meg O'Malley had gotten knocked out. Knocked out good. I'm talking out like a light. For the ten count. The twenty count. Hell, count to one hundred, and she'd still be out.

Lt. Kwan had discovered that Lt. O'Malley had posted those pictures of her in the shower on the Internet. And the worst part? She did it as ME. Evidently, O'Malley was trying to get me back for the orange soda thing. Boy, did that backfire.

Brenda. Was. _**Furious.**_

You know, I think that Irish idiot does these things out of a combination of stupidity and lack of survival instinct. I think the redhead forgot that Lt. Kwan's parents are practitioners of martial arts.

It was a great day. Me and John were eating at the galley (They make very delicious subs). John was regaling me of his days visiting his grandparents in Versailles (John's family is French). Suddenly, the doors open, and a furious Brenda stomps in. Those gorgeous eyes of hers were smouldering, and I hid under the table, praying to God that she realized that I had nothing to do with those pictures...until I remembered I used the blog to illuminate her (This blog saves lives, ladies and gentlemen). She realized if I didn't take the pictures, I wouldn't have posted them on the Internet. I was also hoping that O'Malley didn't see me, because I didn't want her to think that I sent Brenda to knock her out. I have no control over what she does, and if anyone thinks I do, they're completely crazy. She spotted O'Malley at a table chortling at some stupid video she was watching on her communicator (Knowing O'Malley, it probably involved some obscenity against some poor animal). John's face formed this wide grin. He sensed a catfight was about to start. He loves his catfights.

Seeing an opportunity myself, I whipped out my communicator and started filming.

Brenda stomped up to O'Malley, grabbed her by the shoulder, twirled her around, and...

_**WHAM!**_

The most beautiful thing I had ever seen. The grace, the style, the beauty...Brenda twirled that perfectly -formed body of hers, stretched out one of her long gorgeous legs, and nailed O'Malley right across her big garbage-spewing mouth with her foot. The most gorgeous roundhouse kick I had ever seen in my life. The cry her lovely mouth and sirenesque voice made, the way that jet black hair of hers flew around her head...poetry in motion. And the way O'Malley fell like a ton of bricks...great stuff. I had the perfect angle of the knockout blow, and I'm going to put up the video today.

I don't know what possessed me to do what I did next. I leapt out of my hiding spot, and looked O'Malley over. Out like a light. I started counting like a boxing referee. At ten, I declared her out (Not forgetting to take some pictures and put them on the Net). I raised Brenda's hand and declared her the winner and still champion of the galaxy. She wasn't angry, believe it or not. She just chuckled, shook her head, and called me a goofball as she left. She also apologized for clobbering me earlier. Which I really appreciated.

I also had a fun assignment today. Some of the replicators on Deck 12 were malfunctioning. For some reason, they kept putting out nothing but peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Scotty offered to help me out, but when he saw that the replicators, he decided it wasn't worth his time, as he didn't see anything wrong with them. I'm not surprised. After a couple of hours of examining the replicators, I discovered something interesting.

Does anybody on this ship own a rat? I found a little black rat hiding out in the wiring of the ship. It had chewed up the deck's master replicator controls, causing the malfunctions. If you own the rat, please come to my quarters. I'm watching over it until his owner is found. I don't want to kill the little guy, and I doubt anyone else on the ship will watch over him, so he's staying with me until his real owner is found...aw crud, he got out again! Gotta go!

**COMMENTS:**

_(Subj: Thank God)_

_At least they didn't fight in the Sickbay._

_- Dr. McCoy_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Thank God)_

_Indeed. Although Lt. O'Malley's assault towards me was...disconcerting._

_- Spock_

_--_

_(Subj: Best Part)_

_The best part was when she woke up a couple hours later. She thought she was Batgirl! It was hilarious! She sang that ancient theme tune and everything!_

_- John Cronin_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Best Part)_

_Funny for you, pal! I had to chase her all over the ship! One minute, she was on the bridge, throwing makeshift boomerangs at Spock and calling him the Joker, whoever the hell he is, and the next she's in the shuttlebays, trying to use one of the shuttlecraft as something called a Batmobile!_

_- Dr. McCoy_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Re: Best Part)_

_I filmed the chase and put it up on the Net! Anyone wants to see, you know the address._

_- Brenda Kwan_

_--_

_(Subj: Wow.)_

_Scotty refusing to help fix something? Now I've heard it all._

_- Lt. Sulu_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Wow.)_

_Yeah. It shocked me, too. But then again, when it comes to this ship, you really shouldn't be surprised by anything._

_- Kevin Kowalski._

_--_

_(Subj: Heh)_

_Kowalski, you are a real flatterer. Take it easy, boy._

_- Brenda_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Heh)_

_I can't help but appreciate beauty, Lt. Kwan._

_- Kevin Kowalski._

_--_

_(Subj: What the hell?)_

_Can somebody explain to me why THE HELL there's a video of me running around in a gaudy costume calling myself Batgirl? KOWALSKI, DID YOU DO THIS?!_

_- Lt. O'Malley_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: What the hell?)_

_No, but I wish I did. LOL. Mind you, Meg, you did pull off the Batgirl look very well. It's the red hair._

_- Kevin Kowalski_

_--_

_(Subj: Not mine)_

_Rats creep me out. Sorry, Lieutenant. He's not mine._

_- Uhura_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Not mine)_

_Hey, maybe Cupcake owns it! Ask him!_

_- Captain Kirk, Master of the Awesome_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Re: Re: Not mine)_

_Cupcake, sir?_

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: Nickname)_

_It's the nickname that Captain Mouth-Breather gave a cadet he picked a fight with before he joined the Academy._

_- Uhura_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Nickname)_

_I kicked his ass._

_- Captain Kirk, Master of the Awesome_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Re: Nickname)_

_Yeah, right. He knocked you flat on your mouth-breathing butt._

_- Uhura_

_--_

_(Subj: Inquiries)_

_I shall make inquiries about the rat's ownership if you need me to do so._

_- Spock_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Inquiries)_

_Thanks, sir. I really appreciate it. _

_- Kevin Kowalski._


	4. Chapter 4

**Kowalski's Corner**

**Disclaimer: "I'll kick your ass, mm'kay?" - Mr. Mackey to Mr. Hat, _South Park_**

Kowalski's Corner

_Kowalski's Corner is the official blog of Lt. Kevin Kowalski._

July 15

Hello once again to all my readers!

Sorry it's been so long since I last posted. I've been very busy. The last couple of weeks have been crazy. The big highlight? The _Enterprise_ stopped at this Starbase, and let's just say the personnel there have their own supply of jokers.

The bridge got covered in shaving cream. It was bloody hilarious! I swear, the look on the good Captain's face. Oh, my God...

----------

The bridge crew of the Enterprise exited the turbolift to the bridge, and came upon a shocking sight. The floor of the bridge, the consoles, the screen, and somehow, even the ceiling of the bridge, were all covered in shaving cream.

"Ho-_lee_..." Kirk's jaw dropped as he slowly stepped in. The rest of the bridge crew slowly followed him in. "What the _hell_ happened in here?!" Spock looked up at the ceiling, and reacted as only he did: raising his eyebrow.

"Fascinating." He stared up at the ceiling.

"Oh God, my _console!_" Uhura screamed as she moved towards her console.

"Be very careful, Lieutenant." Spock warned. "This substance is causing the floors to become slick."

"Wow, Keptin!" A wide-eyed Chekov gaped at the shaving-cream bridge. "This reminds me of the snow that would cover outside back home in Russia."

"Did it snow shaving cream in Russia?" Kirk groaned. His face paled as he ran over to the Captain's Chair, now covered in shaving cream. "My chair! Oh, Gawd!" He fell on his knees in front of it. "My chair! What'd they do to you?!" He wailed in horror. Uhura and Sulu blinked at the sight.

"I think the mouth-breather has finally flipped." The mini-skirted communications officer whispered to the navigator. Sulu snickered.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

"Oh yeah." Uhura grinned.

"Whoa-ho!" A jovial English-accented voice chuckled. The bridge crew turned around and saw Kevin Kowalski standing in the turbolift. The young lieutenant's shoulder-length blond hair was tied in a ponytail, and his sleek frame was clad in the red Starfleet uniform. "What's going on here then?" The half-English half-Polish officer chuckled as he walked in the bridge and looked around. "Whoa." The young lieutenant then chuckled. "I do have to give kudos to the guy or gal that managed to pull this off. As a fellow prankster, I can appreciate thorough work."

"Did you do this, Kowalski?!" Kirk scowled at the technician, pointing at his chair. "This seems like something you would do!"

"Yeah, it does seem like one of your classic pranks. You did do this to O'Malley once." Sulu remembered.

"Yeah, after she spread those rumors about that poor girl down at the galley." Kowalski countered. "She deserved it."

"Captain, this would not seem to be Kowalski's doing." Spock piped up. Kirk gave the Vulcan first officer a look. "Lieutenant Kowalski only performs his pranks on those who have hurt other people. Lieutenant O'Malley is a regular victim of those pranks. Like the infamous Orange Soda incident." Kirk blinked and realized Spock had a point. Kowalski held no grudges against anyone on the bridge crew, so he had no reason to prank them.

"You have a point." Kirk admitted. "Sorry, Lieutenant Kowalski."

"No worries, sir." Kowalski saluted jauntily.

"No kidding, considering all the crap she pulls." Sulu scowled. His face then twisted into a smile. "I had to admit, seeing that footage of that Kwan girl kicking her in the mouth was very satisfying."

"Yeah, I'm surprised you didn't try to kick her off the ship, sir." Kowalski remarked. Kirk sighed.

"I tried. Turns out that woman has blackmail material on quite a few higher-ups in Starfleet." The Iowan captain sighed. "Thanks to it, she can basically do what she wants on this ship, and I can't get rid of her."

"So, she's like a bloody cockroach." Kowalski scowled.

"Yeah." Kirk sighed. Nodding, the blond ponytailed technician/musician/inventor decided to change the subject.

"You know, sir, I wouldn't be surprised if one of the base's practical jokers did this." Kowalski shrugged. "Besides..." He grinned as he pointed up at the ceiling. "When I gave O'Malley's room the shaving cream makeover, I mixed in a little coloring to make it pink just to get her blood boiling."

----------

Yeah, that day was a crazy one. We reviewed some security footage and found out that it was indeed one of the starbase's resident practical jokers. Ha! Kirk wants me to prepare some pranks for them if we ever dock at that starbase again.

Oh, and I do have to give special thanks to Mr. Spock. He was a big help to me in trying to find out the owner of the little black rat that I found in Deck 12. Unfortunately...the little guy had no owner. Must've snuck on board the ship somehow. Maybe from the starbase. Rats have a knack for getting into places. I decided to keep the little guy. I named him Ritchie after my favorite guitar player, Ritchie Blackmore, of Rainbow and Deep Purple. Deep Purple is my favorite band, and I first learned to play guitar through Blackmore's work, so there ya go. Ritchie the Rat is my new roommate. I have him in a little cage in my quarters. I'm currently looking up information on rat care.

In other news, Captain Kirk has started a new tradition on the ship: Movie Night. Basically, the crew gathers around and watches a movie. He thought it'd be a good idea to improve morale on the ship. On the debut, Captain Kirk chose a favorite of his: _Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid_, starring Paul Newman and Robert Redford. A good time was had by all. And the funny thing is, one of the horses in that film looked like it could be an ancestor of Meg O'Malley. Would explain a lot. I got a lucky seat, next to Brenda Kwan. She was mesmerized by Paul Newman. She told me that she finds blue eyes sexy. There's hope for me after all.

**COMMENTS:**

_(Subj: Ewww)_

_You are **keeping** the thing. You are **keeping** the little creature? Ugh! Please tell me this is another one of your pranks!_

_- Uhura_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Ewww)_

_No, ma'am. And Ritchie is actually kind of cute. You should come and see him._

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: Don't judge)_

_Do not be so quick to judge, Mademoiselle Uhura. Rats are actually quite intelligent creatures. They are extremely adaptive, and even though they tend to be portrayed as aggressive and shady, they are actually shy creatures._

_- Lt. John Cronin_

_--_

_(Subj: Don't let it out)_

_I don't care what he does with the rat, just as long as it doesn't eat any more circuitry._

_- Captain Kirk, Master of the Awesome_

_--_

_(Subj: Neat)_

_Oh yeah, I saw the little guy in your cage when you were taking him to Sickbay. He's kinda cute. I hope you don't plan to experiment on him or anything._

_- Brenda_

_--_

_(Subj: Re: Neat)_

_Thanks, Brenda._

_Naw, I wouldn't do that to Ritchie. I love the little guy too much. _

_- Lt. Kevin Kowalski_

_--_

_(Subj: Dull)_

_You know, ever since I became the CMO of this ship, I've seen some damn weird stuff. Kowalski asking me if I knew anyone who could do a check-up on a rat? That took the cake._

_Kid, you can't be that dense. I'm a doctor, not a veterinarian!_

_- Dr. McCoy_

_--_

_(Subj: Re: Dull)_

_Hey, you said that to me when I walked right into Sickbay!_

_- Lt. Kevin Kowalski_

_--_

_(Subj: Charges)_

_**_

And the funny thing is, one of the horses in that film looked like it could be an ancestor of Meg O'Malley.

_**_

_I could have you brought up on charges for that._

_**_

She told me that she finds blue eyes sexy.

_**_

_HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You are PATHETIC, Kowalski! You actually think she likes you! What a joke!_

_- Meg O'Malley_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Charges)_

_You bring your charges, O'Malley! I'll have your drunk hide laughed out of court! You don't scare me!_

_- Lt. Kevin Kowalski._

_--_

_(Subj: DO IT ALREADY!)_

_Will you PLEASE ASK HER OUT ALREADY?! It's driving us all nuts! And I got credits on this!_

_- Sulu_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: DO IT ALREADY!)_

_I don't make bets on your lovelife, mate. Don't make bets on mine._

_- Lt. Kevin Kowalski_


	5. Chapter 5

**Kowalski's Corner**

**Disclaimer: "This is my first band." - Toki Wartooth, _Metalocalypse_**

Kowalski's Corner

_Kowalski's Corner is the official blog of Lt. Kevin Kowalski._

July 16

Hello again, folks.

I'm gonna kill Meg O'Malley.

Seriously.

I am going to kill her.

I do not care if I get my butt kicked out of Starfleet, I am going to kill Meg O'Malley.

I don't know how she did it. I don't know how she did it.

The little witch managed to somehow shanghai all the stuff from my quarters and I CAN'T FIND ANY OF MY STUFF! My guitar is missing, my comic book collection is missing, my pictures of my family, my rock band and 1980s movie posters, all my stuff, my favorite t-shirts, everything but the furniture! My quarters looked like they did when I first came on board!

If anybody's seen anything of mine, could you please bring it back to my quarters? Thank you. And if O'Malley threw anything of mine out the airlock, I swear there will be hell to pay. Those comics are irreplaceable! I was scanning them into the ship's computer to help create an archive.

On happier news, I had me new friend Ritchie examined, and he is perfectly healthy. I got him in a little cage right now, and Scotty is helping me build a really nice new cage for him. It's going to have some really fancy bells-and-whistles for him.

I've been repairing some minor glitches in the Holodeck. People complain that the characters fizzle and generally act weird. I think it may be some corruption in the CPU's image files.

I'm looking forward to the next Movie Night. Sulu got the next film pick. I wonder what he's going to have us see? I hope it's not some botany-themed flick. How many botany-themed flicks are there out there anyway? Personally, when my turn comes, I want to show something with either Michael Caine or Steve McQueen. Either _Get Carter_ or _Bullitt_. Or maybe a comedy, perhaps _Monty Python's The Life of Brian_, _The Meaning of Life, _or maybe _Ferris Bueller's Day Off._ Those're funny movies. I dare you not to laugh at the scene where the guy flips out about his car's odometer, heh heh. Another personal favorite of mine is _Fast Times at Ridgemont High_. The scene where the pizza guy comes to Sean Penn's class always makes me laugh.

Sorry this blog entry is so short. I have a lot to do. Busy shift coming up, have to kill O'Malley, and find my stuff. Wish me luck!

**COMMENTS:**

_(Subj: Go ahead)_

_Go ahead, I don't care. By the way, I found a guitar in my quarters. It was under my bed._

_And you like Steve McQueen? Kowalski, you got taste._

_- Captain Kirk, Master of the Awesome_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Go ahead)_

_Thank you, sir. I was surprised she didn't break the thing._

_And I love Bullitt, sir. Best car chase ever. I would love to drive a green Mustang through the streets of San Francisco._

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: Hmph)_

_If you ask me, she should be brought up on charges._

_- John Cronin_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Hmph)_

_Oh, I will get her back, Johnny Boy. Mark my words. O'Malley will get hers._

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: HA!)_

_HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! TAKE THAT, YOU SMUG LITTLE ENGLISH LOUDMOUTH!! HAVE FUN FINDING THE STUFF OF YOURS I DIDN'T DESTROY!_

_- Lt. O'Malley_

_--_

_(Subj: Re: HA!)_

_YOU'LL GET YOURS, YOU EMERALD ISLE-DWELLING DEMON! JUST YOU WAIT! YOU STILL DON'T SCARE ME! AS GOD AND DEEP PURPLE ARE MY WITNESSES, YOU WILL GET YOURS, O'MALLEY!_

_- Kevin, who is really furious._

_--_

_(Subj: Awww)_

_You poor thing. I'll keep an eye out for anything that belongs to you. It's not hard to identify your stuff._

_And I'll give O'Malley a good walloping for ya._

_- Brenda_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Awww)_

_Thanks, Brenda._

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: Don't worry about it)_

_Don't you worry, Kevin. The film I had in mind is a classic film. You'll love it._

_Oh, and I found those old comic books of yours. O'Malley had tried to set them on fire in the engine room, but Scotty and Keenser caught her and got them out of her grip. Who knew they were Legion of Super-Heroes fans?_

_- Sulu_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Don't worry about it) _

_Can't wait._

_And thanks! Who doesn't love the Legion? I always thought Brainiac 5 was the best one. His gadgets and all._

_I'll get something cooked up for O'Malley. You'll see. I shall have my revenge._

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: Ugh)_

_What I still can't believe is that you are keeping the rat. Rats are creepy little things, all crawly and stuff._

_On a non-rodent related note, Spock's going to ask around. He wants an inventory of the things you own. And Gaila found a t-shirt with a picture of a winged man with the words "Led Zeppelin United States of America 1977" on it. She wants to know what Led Zeppelin is._

_- Uhura_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Ugh)_

_Tell Commander Spock the list is in the mail. And oh good, Gaila found me favorite Led Zeppelin shirt. And as for ol' Green Jeans, tell her I'll burn her some of their music for her. I think she'll like "Misty Mountain Hop". Or at least "Whole Lotta Love"._

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: Hey)_

_Hey, mon ami, my uncle happens to be a collector of old cars. Maybe he has one you can check out. And "Whole Lotta Love" would fit Madame Gaila like a glove._

_- John Cronin_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Hey)_

_Cool! I'll definitely check it out._

_And yeah, it would fit her like a glove._

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: Led Zeppelin)_

_Ah, I have heard of this Led Zeppelin. Great Russian band._

_- Chekov_

_--_

_(Subj: Re: Led Zeppelin)_

_Russian. Right. Those guys are Russian. Right._

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: Movie)_

_Ooh, those sound good. Personally, my favorite movie is Enter the Dragon. That film inspired me to take up martial arts. I wanted to be a girl Bruce Lee._

_- Brenda_

_--_

_(Subj: Re: Movie)_

_Yeah, that movie's awesome. Bruce Lee kicking everyone's arse. No better way to kill a couple hours._

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Re: Movie)_

_Yeah. And that would explain why you had that tape of me sending O'Malley's teeth into the next galaxy set to the theme from it._

_- Brenda_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Re: Re: Movie)_

_Hey, that kick had that "Enter The Dragon" vibe to it. I just had to do it._

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj:For God's sake)_

_ASK HER OUT ALREADY, DAMMIT! WE CAN SEE IT BETWEEN YOU TWO A MILE AWAY! EVEN **THE HOBGOBLIN** IS GETTING TIRED OF IT! GOD!_

_- McCoy_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: For God's sake)_

_O_o_

_- Kevin_


	6. Chapter 6

**Kowalski's Corner**

**Disclaimer: "I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy Poofs! If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be laaaaaaaame! I'm talking Night Court in the fifth season laaame!" - Eric Cartman, _South Park._ And I obviously don't own Star Trek.**

Kowalski's Corner

_Kowalski's Corner is the official blog of Lt. Kevin Kowalski._

July 17

Hello again to all my loyal readers.

I want to give special thanks to all the various crew members of the Enterprise who helped me find my stuff and move it back into my quarters. You all know who you are. And I wanna give very special thanks to Scotty, because he got me this hilarious picture of Meg O' Malley thrown through a window by a couple of very pissed-off Andorians. It was from her Academy days. Hard to believe she actually got into the Academy. I wonder who she screwed to get in. Must've been someone really desperate, and with no taste in women.

I am working on a plan to get her back. Anybody wants in, let me know.

Today, the Enterprise went to settle a diplomatic problem. Evidently, these two races were both applying for Federation membership, but to get in, they had to negotiate. I heard the Captain was pretty nervous about it, as he never played negotiator before...unless you want to count that infamous fight that Captain Kirk got into with that ambassador from that one species, what were their names? I could never remember that. It was a really hard to pronounce name. How those guys got into the Federation is beyond me, but I'm sure it'll be hilarious.

You know, this one time, when I was an Ensign on board the _USS Constellation_, I met the Caitian ambassador. **(1)** He and his entourage were on board for this function, and it was really neat. They have some delicious fish dishes. As a bit of cultural exchange, I gave the ambassador some Yorkshire pudding and genuine Polish kielbasa. He really liked the stuff, although it took him a while to be able to pronounce kielbasa.

While there, I met a niece of his, a nice bird named M'Ress. Yeah, I know, I called a Caitian a bird. It's English slang, folks. She was a nice gal, with an interest in Engineering. She was a Lieutenant at the time. Ask John about that incident with her in the closet. She had a massive crush on him, and chased him all over the ship. Which is hilarious, considering John's love of flirting with any pretty face. I have footage if anyone wants to see it. I think she's on the _Farragut_ now. I dunno. I'll have to look her up. I'm sure John would love it.

And Sulu gave me permission to tell the ship what movie he has chosen for the next Movie Night: _The Adventures of Robin Hood_, starring Errol Flynn. He said the movie inspired him to take up fencing. I've seen a little bit of that film. It's actually pretty good.

Speaking of films and TV: I finally got me a new download: The entire _Family Guy_ series. That show is bloody hilarious! I love the banter between Brian and Stewie. I also always feel bad for poor Meg. She never got any respect. I have that lost episode where Meg went nuts and started to go completely ape on everyone in Quahog. It was the funniest episode ever. Basically, she was turned into a giant and then snapped and started playing Godzilla with Quahog. HAH! My favorite scene was Quagmire's reaction to her chest. Heh heh heh. That's comedy. **(2)**

And as for getting Meg O'Malley back...I'm working on it, with some friends.

**COMMENTS:**

_(Subj: Charges)_

_Kowalski, I'm seein' charges here. Thrratening of assault. That could get you booted out of Starfleet._

_- Meg O'Malley._

_--_

_(Subj: Re: Charges)_

_You got nothin' on me, O'Malley. Give it up. Why don't you go do what you do best: Get drunk and pass out in a back alley somewhere._

_-Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Re: Charges)_

_Ooooooh, BURRRRRRRN! Burn, baby! He got you, O'Malley! He got you good!_

_- Sulu_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Re: Re: Charges)_

_Yeah, O'Malley can't out-do me in verbal sparring. And I would show that I can out-fight her, but my parents taught me that I should never hit a woman...no matter how much she resembles a hairy lumberjack._

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: Family Guy)_

_Oh yeah, I've seen a couple episodes of that show. It's pretty funny._

_And as for that brawl, I had to fight him. It was how they negotiated. I kicked his ass. Fun fight._

_- Captain Kirk, Master of the Awesome_

_--_

_(Subj: Re: Family Guy)_

_It sure is funny, sir._

_And I had to admit, that fight had its moments, sir. Especially the part where you started throwing the drums at him. Although that drummer wasn't too fond of it._

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: Don't you dare)_

_Kevin, I am warning you as a friend, mon ami. Don't you even DARE of thinking of saying hello to that mad cat-woman. And if you even think of bringing her on board this ship, I will give all your comics to O'Malley!_

_- John Cronin_

_--_

_(Subj: Re: Don't you dare) _

_Aw, come on, buddy. You know that M'Ress talks about you a lot in those e-mails she sends._

_And I know you wouldn't send my comics to O'Malley. For one, you hate O'Malley. For two, you know giving O'Malley anyone's things is like asking a hungry fox to watch over your chickens. For three, if you did, I'd be forced to knock you out with the right hook that I inherited from my father, who wasn't called "The Polish Pulverizer" for his looks._

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: Got the stuff)_

_Oh, Robin Hood. Fine Russian movie._

_And I got the paint. In the color you want, too! You know, the Russian princesses would paint their rooms with this color._

_- Chekov_

_--_

_(Subj: Re: Got the stuff)_

_Thanks, Pavel._

_Really? So the Romanovs used that color? :P_

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Re: Got the stuff)_

_Robin Hood. Russian. Right._

_And next, you'll say that Tetris was Korean or something._

_Oh, and guess what, Kev? I got those stuffed animals you wanted me to pick up. You owe me some credits._

_- Brenda Kwan_

_--_

_(Subj: Thanks)_

_Thank you, Brenda. I really appreciate it. And I'll pay you back right away._

_Oh, I made a really cool simulation in the Holodeck. It's based on that scene from Kill Bill. You know, the one with the Crazy 88s. You wanna check it out?_

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: Re: Thanks)_

_Sure, sounds like fun. I love that movie._

_- Brenda Kwan_

_--_

_(Subj: Finally)_

_ABOUT DAMN TIME! Hey Hobgoblin, you owe me a hundred credits!_

_- Doctor McCoy_

_--_

_(Subj: Re: Finally)_

_Indeed._

_- Spock_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Re: Finally)_

_O_o_

_- Kevin Kowalski_

_--_

_(Subj: Concerned for Chekov)_

_Lieutenant, what are you up to? And why are you dragging Chekov into it? I figured you are up to something because I saw Chekov run by with some cans of paint. In that color._

_- Uhura_

_--_

_(Subj: Re: Concerned for Chekov)_

_Just helping him become a man, ma'am._

_- Kevin Kowalski_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Re: Concerned for Chekov)_

_What are you having him do, paint a strip club?_

_- Uhura_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: RE: Re: Concerned for Chekov)_

_ROTFLMAO_

_Aye, that would be a great errand for the boy._

_- Scotty_

_--_

_(Subj: Nope)_

_Nope, but it will be funny, ma'am._

_- Kevin Kowalski_

**(1) – Caitians first appeared in **_**Star Trek: The Animated Series.**_** The animated series character M'Ress, who would go on to appear in the New Frontier novels by Peter David, was a Caitian.**

**(2) – A nod to the fic "Attack of the 100 Foot Meg Griffin" by Grey-X. One of my favorite fics.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Kowalski's Corner**

**Disclaimer: "I love you guys." Eric Cartman, _South Park_**

Kowalski's Corner

_Kowalski's Corner is the official blog of Lt. Kevin Kowalski._

July 18

Hello again to all my loyal readers!

Ahh, today was a good day. I had a short shift today, but I managed to get quite a bit done. I had to exchange shifts with another tech guy because he got sick. It think it was the flu.

I had to fix the replicators again. This time on Deck 4. I hope it wasn't another rat. It couldn't have been Ritchie, because he was in that new cage me and Scotty rigged up for him.

It's a neat little cage. It's on its own little column in my quarters. It's got several levels, multi-colored plastic tubes that allow Ritchie to travel freely, a couple exercise wheels the light up when he runs on them, and of course, food dishes and a water dispenser, only this one can keep the water nice and cool for him. Ritchie likes cool water.

It was a slow shift today, not many things needed fixing up on the ship today. So you're probably wondering what a technician does when there's not a lot of stuff that needs fixing? Well, some of the tech guys like to hang out in that little lounge and watch the latest game on breaks. We also go around the ship, checking out circuits, doing routine diagnostics, that kind of thing.

A funny thing happened to me today. People were complaining to the Captain about someone hogging up the Holodeck I built. So Captain Kirk came up to me...

****

Lt. Kevin Kowalski was scanning an open panel in a corridor on the Enterprise. The Polish-English lieutenant was on one knee.

"Let's see here..." The blond pony-tailed lieutenant mumbled to himself as he tested another circuit. "This one is working fine..." He tested another circuit. "And that one's fine. Okay." He replaced the panel covering. "I'd better go down to the next panel and..."

"Kowalski!" Captain Kirk ran up to the young Englishman. "Lieutenant Kowalski!" Kowalski blinked as he got up.

"Sir?" Kowalski blinked. "Shouldn't you be on the bridge?"

"Ah, I needed to talk to you personally." Kirk explained. "We got a problem with the Holodeck."

"Why? What's wrong with it?"

"Well, it's nothing mechanical..."

"KOWALSKI!" A furious Sulu stormed towards Kowalski. Interestingly enough, the navigator was dressed as Robin Hood.

"Sulu, I got it." Kirk tried to calm Sulu down. "Kowalski, we got a problem."

"Somebody is hogging the Holodeck!" Sulu grumbled. "I set up this incredibly awesome Robin Hood simulation, and now I can't use it!"

"Why?" Kowalski blinked. "Is something wrong with the Holodeck?"

"That's the thing, Kowalski." Kirk explained. "The Holodeck is working fine, it's just..."

"Somebody's been in it all day." Sulu explained. "It's getting ridiculous."

"Alright, I'll go see what's going on." Kowalski nodded.

"I'll come with you, man." Sulu added. "I want to do my Robin Hood simulation!"

****

So, Sulu and I went down to the Holodeck, to find out who was hogging it up. Using a device, I forced the door open, and we found one Ensign had created a farm simulation.

He claimed that he had created his family farm on the Holodeck because he felt homesick. Sulu was none too happy. Normally, he's a quiet guy, but Sulu had been working on that simulation for a while, and he was getting really annoyed. So, I had to tell the Ensign, who had a Texan twang, that he had to let other people use the Holodeck, or I'd have to start putting in time limits.

He was very understanding. When he ended the simulation...

The pig was still there. I kid you not.

The Texan-talking Ensign said his pig was homesick, too. Which made our jaws drop. Are we allowed to keep pigs on this ship? Anyway, Sulu got to do his simulation, and he was happy. God, I can't wait for the next movie night.

And as for getting O'Malley back...Well, I want to thank everyone who helped me out on it. You know who you are. Special thanks goes out to John Cronin for helping me rig the transporters, Pavel Chekov for providing paint, and Brenda Kwan for providing the stuffed animals. I think O'Malley started breathing fire when she saw how we redecorated her quarters. Let her put charges on me. I'll just go to court with a big grin on my face. She doesn't scare me. I'll get her laughed out of the bloody courtroom all over again! She knows what I'm talking about!

**COMMENTS:**

_(Subj: Good question)_

_Hmmm, that is a good question. I wonder if we can keep pigs on this ship._

_- Captain Kirk, Master of the Awesome_

_--_

_(Subj: Re: Good question)_

_If Kowalski can keep that rat of his, then I'm sure that the Ensign could keep that pig._

_- Uhura_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Re: Good question)_

_Starfleet regulations do not forbid crew members to care for pets._

_- Spock_

_--_

_(Subj: Kill you)_

_KOWALSKI! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY ROOM, YOU CLOWN?! WHERE'S MY STUFF?!_

_- Meg O'Malley, who will murder you, then have your corpse kicked out of Starfleet._

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Kill you)_

_What's the matter, O'Malley? Can't take a joke?  
_

_And don't you worry about your stuff. It's in one of the cargo bays. At least I have the decency to gather your stuff all in one place, unlike a certain alcoholic living Irish stereotype who SCATTERED MY STUFF ALL OVER THE BLOODY SHIP AND TRIED TO SET FIRE TO MY COMIC BOOKS!_

_- Kevin Kowalski_

_--_

_(Subj: Load of laughs)_

_Ah, it was such fun redecorating O'Malley's quarters. Remind me to compliment Monsieur Chekov for his painting skills. He managed to pull off painting the Care Bears! On pink walls with rainbows on the ceiling! Magnifique! _

_- Lt. John Cronin_

_-- _

_(Subj: RE: Load of laughs)_

_(blushes) Thank you very much._

_- Chekov_

_--_

_(Subj: Fun)_

_Hey thanks for letting me in on the fun! I laughed so much while redecorating O'Muttonhead's quarters. I'm glad you guys used those stuffed animals I got._

_- Brenda Kwan_

_--_

_(Subj: Re: Fun)_

_No problem, Brenda. It was nice that you were there._

_- Kevin Kowalski_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: RE: Re: Kill you)_

_Do I have to bring out the cattle prod with you two again? Seriously. I don't want to have to bring it out again._

_- Captain Kirk, Master of the Awesome_

_--_

_(Subj: Movie Night)_

_Maybe now you'll take the opportunity and make a move on that Kwan girl._

_- Doctor McCoy._

_--_

_(Subj: Re: Movie Night)_

_Okay, I will. When you make a move towards that girl in Sickbay. What's her name, Nadia? Natira?_

_- Kevin Kowalski_

_--_

_(Subj: Thanks)_

_Thanks again for helping me get the Holodeck for my sim. You should build another one._

_- Sulu_

_--_

_(Subj: Re: Thanks)_

_Sure, as soon as I can find the time and some empty space._

_- Kevin Kowalski_


	8. Chapter 8

**Kowalski's Corner**

**Disclaimer: "You're Brock Samson, dammit!" - Col. Hunter Gathers, _The Venture Bros._**

Kowalski's Corner

_Kowalski's Corner is the official blog of Lt. Kevin Kowalski._

October 21

Hello once more to all my loyal readers!

Sorry I took so long to post again! My God, has it been that long?

We've had a lot of crazy adventures, and I've had to do a lot of crazy stuff, and I lost track of time, so the lack of bloggage. Please don't kill me. I'll try to be better at posting.

Anyway, one of my favorite holidays is coming up. Halloween. I love Halloween. My favorite part of it was, besides the candy of course, was the pranks. One Halloween especially sticks out to me. I was eight years old. There was this mean old man who lived on our street, and we made the mistake of going to his house to get some candy. He was very rude. There was me, my old school chum Andy, and this girl, a dark-haired bird named Cathy. We were all in costume as well. Cindy, Andy and I all agreed to do a _Doctor Who _theme. I was the Fourth Doctor, Cindy was dressed as Tegan Jovanka, and Andy was the Brigadier.

We decided to prank the guy, as is tradition. You don't give candy, you get tricks. So, we rigged this little catapult, and started using it to throw water balloons filled with paint at his house. It looked like a splatter painting after we were done with it. The old man was furious. We also left a traditional prank: We covered this big tree in front of his home with toilet paper. Ah, memories.

Speaking of costumes, I am really unsure of what I'm going to be this year. Captain Kirk is throwing this big Halloween bash. It was a tradition Admiral Pike started when he commanded this ship. Maybe I'll go as the Tenth Doctor.

And we had some fun movie nights. Sulu showed _The Adventures of Robin Hood._ That movie was really good. I got me arm around Brenda's shoulders, and she didn't kick my arse. Well, she said she wouldn't if I let her have some of my popcorn....

**

Lt. Kevin Kowalski was having a good night tonight. He was watching a good movie, he had a big cup of popcorn and a drink, and a certain someone was about to sit next to him. As Errol Flynn swashbuckled on the screen, a certain Asian lieutenant took a seat next to his. She was carrying some nachos and a smaller drink.

For the Polish-English technician, this was a moment of intense awkwardness...and opportunity.

"Um...uh...hello, Brenda." Kowalski blinked.

"Hey, Kev." Brenda smiled.

"Uh...uh..." Kevin stammer slightly. "Uh...you like this movie?"

"I never saw it before. It's actually pretty good so far." Brenda nodded.

"Yeah, it's my first time seeing this film, too." Kevin nodded in agreement. He noticed a male crewman put his arm around the shoulders of a female crewman sitting next to him. The blond ponytail-wearing ensign looked over at Brenda. The technician couldn't help himself. He looked at the astrophysicist. Her long straight dark hair cascaded over her shoulders. Her skin had a tan that only came from growing up under the Honolulu sun (Kevin remembered that Brenda was born and grew up in Hawaii), and her dark brown eyes showed awe at the action at the screen. Nervously, the technician slowly moved his arm and put it around her shoulders. Brenda blinked and looked over at Kevin.

"What're you up to, Kevin?" She smirked.

"Uhm..." Kevin blushed. "I'll, uh...move me arm. I wouldn't want you to kick my butt."

"Hmm..." The Hawaii native put a finger on her lips in thought. "I'll tell you what. I'll let you live, on one condition."

"Anything." Brenda grinned at Kevin's answer. She pointed at Kevin's big cup of popcorn.

"You let me have some popcorn."

"Deal." Kevin held out his popcorn. A smiling Brenda took a handful of popcorn and chowed down. She put her head on Kevin's shoulder, and the two continued to enjoy the movie. Unbeknownst to them, Dr. McCoy had noticed. The Southern doctor grinned.

"Jim and Scotty owe me money. Hope the kid does better than I did."

**

Ah, that was a wonderful night.

Next, Scotty showed us _Braveheart._ We all laughed at the scene where William Wallace and his troops bared their arses to the English. I should've been mad, but it was too funny. Of course, when Wallace got decapitated, just to get Scotty's goat, me and a couple other English guys started singing "God Save The Queen". Scotty and the Scots on board started singing "Scotland the Brave" in response. It became a sing-off that degenerated into a brawl. We blamed O'Malley, although nobody bought it. Nuts.

Uhura showed a favorite of hers, _Dead Poets Society._ Unsurprising, since it is about a teacher with a love of language. Many of the female crew members cried when that one guy killed himself in the movie. I think it was the guy who would be in _House._ Except for O'Malley, of course. She just made jokes, and suggested he use a noose, because she considered it "more dramatic". Ai-yagh. She should do us all a favor and use a noose on herself. **(1)**

Chekov showed a favorite of his, and no, it was not _Doctor Zhivago._ It was _Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope._ Guy's got taste. He thinks Han Solo is awesome. He hopes when his turn comes around again, he shows the other two films in the Original Trilogy. He even came dressed up as Han Solo. A couple of the gals on the ship thought he was cute. Heh.

Next was my pick: The classic movie _Detroit Rock City_, starring Edward Furlong of _Terminator 2_, and THE HOTTEST BAND IN THE WORLD, KISS!!! People were laughing, and enjoying the soundtrack. When my choice was announced, I could've sworn I saw one of the science guys show up dressed as Ace Frehley. I love this ship. I identified with Jeremiah "Jam" Bruce in the film. I was a bit like him as a kid. When I was a teen in London, I was a member of a band myself.

When O'Malley's turn came, we all dreaded her choice. We all believed she'd bring in...a certain type of movie Chekov isn't allowed to see. When the movie came on, she said we'd all better like it or else. Her choice was _Michael Collins_, the film about the Irish patriot who died during Ireland's Civil War back in the 1920s. I shouldn't be surprised. As much of a royal pain in the neck O'Malley is, we tend to forget she's a patriot. She's proud of her being Irish. Liam Neeson and Alan Rickman were pretty good in it. A lot of conspiracy theories surround that man's death in Ireland. Some blame the British for his death. Please.

Captain Kirk got the next movie night, and he picked _Bullitt_, starring Steve McQueen. The car chase scene was awesome. As legendary as everyone says it is. And McQueen himself wasn't a half-bad actor. It was a fun film.

Anyway, I gotta get going. Gotta help decorate the lounge.

**COMMENTS:**

_(Subj: Halloween)_

_LOL. This Halloween thing sounds like it is a lot of fun. You humans are a wacky bunch._

_- Gaila_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Halloween)_

_Trust me, you'll love the costume party, Green Jeans._

_And Halloween is a lot of fun. Especially the pranks. I love pranks._

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: Huh?)_

_Green Jeans? I don't get it._

_- Gaila_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Huh?)_

_Earth joke._

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: Party)_

_It will be my first big Halloween party. I may go as a cowboy. Perhaps John Wayne. Big hero in Russia._

_- Chekov_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Party)_

_Congrats, Chekov._

_Right. John Wayne is a big Russian hero. If you say so, buddy._

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: Movie choice)_

_You'll all love my choice, my friends._

_- John Cronin_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: Movie choice)_

_I'm sure we will, John._

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: Re: RE: Movie choice)_

_You should. It is very appropriate for the holiday._

_- John_

_--_

_(Subj: About that movie night)_

_Hey, Kev. _

_I just wanted to say I really enjoyed that movie night. Thanks for the popcorn!_

_- Brenda Kwan_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: About that movie night)_

_Eh heh heh... **blush** No problem, luv._

_- Kevin_

_--_

_(Subj: About time)_

_So, can we count this as a date?_

_- Captain Kirk, Master of the Awesome_

_--_

_(Subj: RE: About time)_

_ _ Geez!_

_- Kevin_

**(1) – Kevin is referring to Robert Sean Leonard, who played Neil Perry in _Dead Poets Society,_ and who would go on to play Dr. James Wilson in _House._**


	9. Chapter 9

**Kowalski's Corner**

**Disclaimer: "One damn minute, Captain." - Spock, _Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home_**

Kowalski's Corner

_Kowalski's Corner is the official blog of Lt. Kevin Kowalski_

October 22

Hello again to all my readers!

You're never gonna guess what I heard. Spread the word, O'Malley is at it again. She is doing something with Ten-Forward. Remodeling it or something.

She wants to make it look like an old-time Irish pub. Yeah, it's a shock to me, too. Blimey. And to make things even more hilarious, she wants to tend bar. Yeah, O'Malley. Isn't one of the requirements of being a bartender is to actually be somewhat friendly towards customers? Ted Knight's character in _Caddyshack_ would be a better bartender than her:

"I wanna beer! I wanna bourbon! I wanna whiskey-!"

"YOU'LL GET SERVED NOTHING AND LIKE IT!"

...Yup. Say what you will.

Anyway, our good Captain has come up with another idea for improving ship morale. In his own words: "A big ol' costume party!" Heh. Appropriate since Halloween is coming up. Maybe I'll come as a zombie. Naw, too cliché. Maybe I'll come as a robot. I dunno, I'll have to think it over. I did think I mentioned this earlier in my blog.

I have had an interesting day today. The _Enterprise_ got themselves this mission to escort an ambassador to this star system to do some negotiations. Let's just say...he enjoyed the alcohol. And the partying. And had no concept of keeping his hands to himself. We got the first hint that this mission was going to become one of the Enterprise's trademark "beautiful disasters" shortly after he arrived. He slapped Lt. Uhura's arse, and she punched him out. Luckily, he was understanding.

The trip with him was eventful. He was a bit of a pain on the bridge. The captain grumbled because the ambassador kept bothering all the bridge crew with his love of asking what buttons do and trying to touch things...

888

James T. Kirk had never killed anyone in cold blood before. Sure, there was that Romulan guy on the _Narada_, but that could be forgiven as he was trying to choke the Iowan to death. But the young captain was thinking about murder right now, glaring at the ambassador, a dark-haired slightly pudgy man in a brown-and-orange suit with a polo tie, a cowboy hat (He wasn't going to wear those to the conference, thank God) and goofy glasses that looked like he traveled back in time to the 1970s and stole them from Elton John, bothering Sulu.

Normally, the helmsman was a quiet guy, but the ambassador was really getting on his nerves. He frowned deeply at the man.

"And what does this do?" The ambassador reached towards a silver level.

"_Please!_" Sulu put his hand on the lever quickly, trying to keep his composure. "Please don't touch that. That's the parking brake. You mess with that, and we'll come to a dead stop in the middle of warp. It makes the chief engineer go crazy."

"You mean that crazy Scotsman?" The ambassador blinked.

"Yes." Kirk grunted shortly. "The same guy that chased you out with a claymore after that attempt at a tour of Engineering."

"Can't blame him." Uhura muttered to herself.

"Could be worse, ma'am." Kowalski chuckled from the Engineering station. "He could be trying to make another grab for your arse." The communications officer raised an eyebrow.

"He tries it again, I'll break his wrist."

"And I think Spock would do a whole lot worse." Kowalski snickered. Uhura smirked.

"Yeah, he would." She turned back to her console. "Wait a minute..." Uhura turned to Kevin. "You're a technician! Why are you here at the Engineering console?"

"Mr. Scott kinda..." Kevin admitted nervously, rubbing the back of his head. "He kinda grabbed me and put me up here because he said he can't keep an eye on his girl up here. Kinda the right place at the right time, huh?"

"Why does that not surprise me?" Uhura shook her head.

888

Yeah, it was quite a mission. Luckily, the conference went off without a hitch.

Oh, I gotta go! Me shift's about to start! Ta-ta!

888

**COMMENTS:**

888

_(Subj: No regrets)_

He slapped Lt. Uhura's arse, and she punched him out.

_I don't care what anyone says! I don't care how much heat I'd get with command! Somebody touches me like that, I make then regret it! And I'd gladly do it again! Perverted Ambassador._

_- Lt. Uhura_

888

_(Subj: RE: No regrets)_

_Yup, and I had nothing but fun, fun, and more fun discussing this mission with Starfleet Command. Pike was laughing at me the whole way there!_

_- Captain Kirk, Master of the Awesome_

888

_(Subj: RE: Re: No regrets)_

_I have to give you credit, Jim. The Enterprise never ceases to give Command a lot of...interesting stories. And personally, I look forward to your reports. They're always good for a laugh._

_- Admiral Pike_

888

_(Subj: RE: Re: Re: No regrets)_

_O_O How did he-?_

_- Kevin Kowalski_

888

_(Subj: RE: Re: Re: Re: No regrets)_

_Yeah, that's my bad, pal. Sorry._

_- Captain Kirk, Master of the Awesome._

888

_(Subj: Lucky)_

_He should consider himself damn lucky **Spock** didn't get his hands on him. I saw the ass-kicking he handed Jim once, and it still makes me wince._

_- McCoy_

888

_(Subj: RE: Lucky)_

_Please don't remind me of that. My body starts giving me psychosomatic aches when I think about it._

_- Captain Kirk, Master of the Awesome_

888

_(Subj: Glad he wasn't)_

_I'm bloody glad that ambassador didn't come anywhere near Engineering! I shudder to think what he would do to my poor girl._

_- Scotty_

888

_(Subj: RE: Glad he wasn't)_

_Scotty, we really need to talk about this thing you have for the ship. It's starting to scare us. Even Spock is reluctant to talk to you in Engineering. **Spock!**_

_- Captain Kirk, Master of the Awesome_

888

_(Subj: RE: Re: Glad he wasn't)_

_Indeed._

_- Spock_

888


End file.
